If you missed last night’s schaudenfreudegasm with LeBron and the Heat getting lane-raped by J.J. Barea for 48 minutes, oh how you missed out. There hasn’t been a more gratifying moment for sports haters since the Saints beat Favre and Manning back-to-back in the NFC title game and Super Bowl. It was glorious, delirious, WONDERFUL moment in hating. And the best part is that, come next year, we get to do it all over again!
Because what’s fucked with LeBron James isn’t going to be unfucked. Everything that made him a complete cocksucker last summer is still there: the arrogance, the dismissiveness, the incredible lack of self-awareness. LeBron holds onto those qualities as if they were his own kin, or whichever kin of his hasn’t been banging Delonte West. And he’s never gonna shed them. Was it LeBron’s fault that the Heat didn’t win? Of course not. That was all God and shit. Did any of LeBron’s critics have a point? Of course not. They were just people presumably suffering from unemployment and/or alcoholism:
“All the people that was rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today,” James said. “They have the same personal problems they had today.”
So true. Maybe you hate LeBron because you still can’t accept the fact that you murdered that dockworker back in 1982. Can’t you see how YOU’RE the one with the problem here?
Everyone is piling on LeBron right now, and it’s easy to see why Craggs and the like might get a little starchy when they read editorial after editorial about teamwork winning out over selfishness and character winning over talent and all those horrible magic unicorns that white sportswriters just love to toss out to the easily scandalized. But you know what? Sometimes, those fusty old columnists choose their targets CORRECTLY. Sometimes, they get it right, if only by sheer luck.
Because there’s nothing wrong with rooting for LeBron James to fail. It says nothing bad about you as a person to wish ill upon someone who is monstrously talented yet at the same time is also a world-class dipshit. LeBron James has never been arrested or caught with naughty drugs or done anything explicitly “immoral,” I suppose. But that doesn’t matter, because he’s still a piece of shit anyway. His reaction in the wake of losing last night was even more predictable than his on-court meltdown. His personal blind spot is as large as Lenny Dykstra’s or Charlie Sheen’s. Take a look at this tweet from radio host HoldenKushner, who spoke with Dr. Jack Ramsay earlier today about LeBron
Think about it how fucked in the head you have to be to enter that kind of mindset. LeBron had complete control over The Decision, and was given a platform that ESPN has NEVER given any other person and never will. They gave LeBron so much freedom for that broadcast that it caused the entire network to questions its own principles. [Ed.’s note: Maybe they didn’t.] And yet … they were fucking unfair? Is it ever wrong to hate someone who thinks this way? NO. No, it is not. Not only is it okay to hate LeBron, but it’s a fucking character flaw on your part if you do not.
There’s no such thing as going overboard when it comes to enjoying LeBron’s failure. Now, if he were the kind of person to sit at the podium after losing a game and say, “I really thought we were the better team, but we lost and we’re gonna have to go back and work on it until we get it right, and I wish I hadn’t been such a dipshit before,” all that fun would instantly go away, because LeBron would be behaving like a normal human being. It’s not fun to keep poking fun at someone once they learn to take the heat. But LeBron possesses a certain social retardation that forbids him from coming to such obvious conclusions about himself. That’s why people get so frustrated with James. Because he’s constantly acting like an entitled fuckwit and you’re constantly saying, “How? How can he not SEE that he’s acting like an entitled fuckwit?” And he doesn’t! He totally doesn’t. It seems virtually impossible that someone could be so oblivious, and yet here we are. And NOTHING has changed about the man. If anything, he’s gotten even worse.
LeBron is always going to be a failure because, in his mind, failure isn’t failing. He’s already King James (Seriously, he fucking announces it to people when sending a text.), and that is a title that, to him, is far better than “Six-Time NBA Champion” or whatever other title outsiders expect from him. He’s the perfect bad guy because he’s never going to change his ways. And that doesn’t say anything about us, or about America, or about racism, or about any of that bullshit. It just says that LeBron is a cocksucker. And that he will always be.